


Poisoned But Not Venomous

by literally_no_idea



Series: Notes (TW) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18514807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_no_idea/pseuds/literally_no_idea
Summary: Clint finds the letter tapped to Natasha's bedroom door in a blank envelope.(Please note the tags.)





	Poisoned But Not Venomous

I can’t continue the web of lies any longer.

 

My life has become one string of lines after another, interwoven into fake identities and traumatic memories and carefully dissociated emotions. I’m no longer able to maintain the lies. It’s come to this, because I don’t want to live with the ramifications of my lies. I don’t want to live with the pain, the reality of the things I’ve done.

 

I don’t want to live.

 

I assume it’s different for everyone; the reason, the motive, the backstory, the tragedy, the build up. Like all other things about me, my story isn’t simple.

 

It starts in the Red Room. With my training. With the rule that a Widow is never allowed to break. Never. Nothing can break a Widow. Even when a Black Widow dies, it must leave one last strike, one last enemy defeated. Because a Black Widow that dies without retaliation was never a Black Widow. I guess I was never a Black Widow.

 

In the Red Room, we are prepared for everything; hand to hand combat, emotional detachment, physical endurance, sexual seduction, weapons handling. We are taught never to react, never to show weakness unless it is part of a mission, and even then, weakness is faked, because a Widow is never weak. I really was never a Widow.

 

I joined SHIELD. I thought I was doing the right thing. It turns out, I just switched evil organizations without realizing it. I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security when I shouldn’t have. And as a result, people died, and secrets and information that never should have gone public were exposed for the world to see. I was never a better a person, an agent. I continued to be used as a weapon.

 

I’m on the Avengers team now, and I don’t know that I’ve made the right choices there, either. I tell myself we’re helping, but I think I might be lying to myself again. Still. I don’t doubt that everyone else on the team is trying to do their best to help, but with a past like mine, I don’t know where the lies end and the reality begins.

 

So I’m leaving. It’s for the best. There are other skilled agents that can work on the team that will have skills equal to or above mine, without the mixed patterns of loyalty, the lack of honesty or trust.

 

-Natalie/Natasha Rushman/Romanov/Romanoff/Romonova (Black Widow)


End file.
